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And the guy -- who doesn't treasure his wife because of the sex before marriage -- still wants sex but not as a total bonding experience with his wife. It's just sex, which she figures out. So, there is a lousy sex life in the marriage. I'm not making this stuff up.

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Now that I'm out of college and many people around me are getting married, I'm seeing it happen all the time. And consequently they'll have better and more frequent sex because they respect each other more and love each other more deeply. Sex is a mysterious thing that causes a deep bond between people, even if we call it "casual. It's like a piece of scotch tape -- the more you use it on different surfaces, the less it sticks to things.

After awhile, it won't stick to anything. If I bond with other girls before I get married, I won't be able to bond as well with my wife someday. I won't cherish her as much as I could have, and consequently I won't love her as much as I could have. Each day that passes that I've remained faithful to my future wife means that my relationship with her will be better.

It's a funny thing: Because, if you take the element of time out of the equation, premarital sex is adultery. We can imagine how adultery would greatly injure a marriage relationship, maybe premarital sex actually has nearly the same result.

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It injures the potential bond between a man and a woman. Sex is meant to complement a relationship, not be the most important aspect of it.

That's what I've found out. It's supposed to be the icing on the cake when all the other aspects of your relationship are working well.


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I've come to understand that the sex will be good if the rest of the relationship is good. That's why I know I don't have to sleep with my wife to find out if we're sexually compatible.

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If we get along in every other area, the sex will be fine. Something else needs to be said here. Another thing I think I've "discovered" is this: If you put your sexual relationship under a microscope, always judging it and judging the relationship by it, it's doomed to fail. It's like being in prison.

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You're locked in to something that is supposed to be freeing, not incapacitating. But, when you focus on the other parts of the relationship, and the sex isn't the focus, then you're freed up to have a more enjoyable sex life, with no pressure of having to make it always spectacular. Because it won't be. And yet, I don't think that as a college-age adult I was capable of not focusing on sex, that is, unless it wasn't present at all.

That's why I think it's best to wait altogether. I know what you're thinking: And in fact, in a way sex helped me to discover the something that outdoes it. And that something is not really a something, it's a someone. Just hear me out on this one, I know it sounds far-fetched, but the whole thing makes sense.

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God has created us in such a way that we can't be ultimately satisfied by anything except Him. He built that into the human system, and into each one of our individual systems. As one man put it, "Inside every person is a God-shaped vacuum that only God can fill. That's why we see people change careers, mates, fashions, and more -- because in our search for ultimate fulfillment , we get frustrated with the things and people that have not achieved it for us.


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  • So we discard them and move on to something or someone else, hoping that in them we will find the kind of fulfillment we are all really looking for. But the problem is, we never find it unless we come to God for it, because only He can provide it. God loves us too much to see us truly satisfied by anything other than Himself.

    He wants the best for us, and that means Himself. Nothing or no one is more important than God. I know that's true because I found it out for myself. The emptiness I had -- after buying this and buying that, after sexual escapades, after all my efforts to be fulfilled in life -- the emptiness came to an end when I asked God into my life. More specifically, when I asked Jesus Christ into my life. Jesus Christ said, "He who comes to me will never go hungry, and he who believes in me will never be thirsty" John 6: Those words came true in my life.

    When I entered into a relationship with God, the God-shaped vacuum inside me was finally filled. I didn't feel empty anymore. Consequently, knowing God has given me a deeper satisfaction than sex ever did. It's been years since I've had sex.

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    I wish I could say that I totally waited for marriage, but I can't. I do have regrets and, as I said before, they have lasted much longer than any momentary pleasures. I have regrets about the way I've treated girls. I have concerns about the stability of my future marriage if and when I get married. But God has helped me to deal with my past acts and with my concerns for the future. He is in the process of changing me, and has changed me a lot already.

    Also, God has given me the ability to wait for marriage to have sex again. Sure, it's been a struggle at times, but God has been big enough to get me through it. All things are possible with Him. And each day, week, year that goes by, I know I'll have a better and stronger marriage someday because I've waited. Too, I have a stronger relationship with God, today, as a result of depending on Him in this vital area of my life as a man.

    If you want to be successful in relationships someday -- as a husband and a father -- the best place to start is with yourself. The trick is not in finding the right wife, or having the right children. The key is to start with you. And the most important relationship you can have -- one that will make you a better husband and father -- is a relationship with God.

    God is the author of sex, love and relationships in general. He created these things for us to enjoy. And we can enjoy them fully if we follow His design for them. I've come to discover that God is not a "moralizer. When He says, "Don't do this" for example, wait for marriage to have sex , He's not saying that to show me who's boss, He's saying it because it's in my best interest. He's saying it because He knows how He's built me as a man, what is best for me, and what will bring me the most fulfillment. So how do we begin a relationship with Him? God has a genuine love for us and wants us to know Him Currently, what stands in the way of us connecting with God is our sin our failure to love God and others perfectly.

    So Jesus Christ "God in the flesh" took all of our sin on His shoulders while He willingly died on a cross. He did this so we could be completely forgiven, completely acceptable to Him. He made the great sacrifice of being beaten, humiliated, whipped and crucified on our behalf.

    Then, after three days, He rose from the dead. He now asks us to respond to His sacrifice by inviting Him into our lives. Jesus Christ was the most masculine man who ever lived. People don't often give Him much credit for that, but it's true. So, when you ask Him to come into your life, you are asking the one Person who knows more about being a man than any other man. He will help you to become a real man -- not the Hollywood version -- but someone far more fulfilled in life and far more valuable to the lives of others. What does that real man look like? He doesn't look like a wolf someone who looks out only for himself.

    Instead, he looks more like a shepherd -- someone who looks out for the well-being of others. As you grow in your relationship with Christ, you will discover more and more what it means to be a real man. And Christ will change the way you think about women and consequently the way you treat them. You can begin a relationship with Christ that lasts forever. When you trust or rely on Christ's sacrifice on your behalf, you can receive eternal life -- a relationship with God that begins now, that you maintain for the rest of your life.

    If this is now the desire of your heart, the following is a guideline for the kinds of things you might want to say to God in sincerity:. Dear God, I confess that I have sinned against You. Thank You for taking all of my sin upon Yourself on the cross. I want to receive Your forgiveness. I want to enter into a relationship with You. I ask You to come into my life as my Savior and Lord. Please make me into the man You want me to be. Was there ever nothing?